sentimental

好久没来写了，刚看了博友们的日志，感觉是人人都在struggle，为工作，为学习，为爱情......精神上超脱，肉体上却不得不继续麻木着～也许，这就是整个世界的运行规则吧。

曾经很崇拜的人，现在那种idol般的色彩逐渐淡去了，因为但凡接触到现实，人人都是一样, 我， 和他，又有什么区别呢？

最近一直在做一些很幼稚的事情，因为喜欢。于是有人说喜欢我天真的样子。还有人说我应该多多smile。也许大凡让男生投降的都是天真的女生吧。但我不是，我只是为了自己好玩而已。既然这个无法改变这个世界，那就努力去have fun吧。做自己喜欢的，远离自己不喜欢的，爱自己所爱的，不爱的也根本不去厌恶或痛恨，感觉周围的一切都在围着你跳舞，你就是个欢乐的傻瓜，什么都不想，只怕不够时间来高兴。

我喜欢这样的我。

Suddenly I was feeling depressed, as I opened my notebook and saw those scribbles there "always and forever". I don't know why I still keep this crappy notebook, since time has made it too ugly to see, but somehow I never throw it away. I have moved for several times, one place to another, and I always wrapped it with some plastic bag I randomly found and then put it inside the box to carry it with me. Guess I don't treasure it that much, otherwise it won't appear so ugly now.  Yet I also feel reluctant to let it go, without any idea why the hell I'm doing that.

 

I even forgot about the beginning, how these words came up to my notebook in the first place. Vaguely conscious, a boy sat besides me and watched me reading books. (I've always have the ability to concentrate on my own things no matter what is going on around me, or just pretend to be~) Later guess he felt bored so he took my notebook, scribbled something on it, and it spelt like "always and forever".

 

I think I have more complex for these words than for that certain boy himself. That will totally explain that why I still keep such a thing together with me while I don't give a damn about the story behide those words. (Sorry about my language, when I start to lose things, like memory, I tend to feel greatly sad)  Years has passed after that. Now when I look into myself I see a mature, sophisticated and  smart woman. Wait a second, those are the words which I wish i could say. Of course, I see certain good things growing up inside my body, but to be frank, I also see the same emptiness, the huge part of blankness waiting to be filled. There is a song sings that "Deep in my heart there used to be a place for you to live in; ever since your left this place is deserted.....blahblahblah" Don't get me wrong, I'm not crying like a little helpless woman for the unworthy man she had before. I feel the emptiness in my heart because I have dreams, those kinds of sweet dreams which are gradually faded away from me.

 

Yesterday when i talked with a friend in English, I said that I was afraid of the coming of my 24th birthday, though it was still around 7 months left for that. He told me that 24, 25 were like the best season for girls. Then I said "If when she's 24, she's surrounded by the good, right things, yes". We, all the girls in my age, always expect the "good right" things to happen, such as a wonderful dress(to look more pretty), a good man (to brighten the day), a rewarded job( to feel the taste of success), and a hearty friend (to pour out sweets as well as rubbish to). Sometimes a girl's world is just so simple. She can smile her heart out just for a little cute pencile she occasionaly finds in the stationery store and bless the whole world for that. But some other times, she's not so happy, because she's been spending so long a time waiting for the "good right" things to come.

 

Time is a cruel thing for women, because time kills their dreams. Perhaps someone may argue: what is the matter? As long as you are still one piece, you can keep on pursue your dreams, whatever they are. It reminds me of the word said by an actress. She has devoted her life for performance all her life, and she's excellent. However, life plays trick with her. When she finally became famous and recognized, she's already 29 years old. When asking her feeling for the sucess, she said calmly, "When it (success) comes too late, the happiness is havled." It is evey woman's dream to present the best "she" to her beloved things (a man she deeply loves or the career she's devoted to). And it will always be imperfet if  those "good right" things have not come on time. Like those "always and forever" thing, it seems "pure and touching" in the teenage, "sweet and tearful" in the 20s, "precious and heavy" in the 30s, and~~I cannot continue~~if in the 40s, it is still not come yet, then fuck it up, just enjoy yourself as a loner and feel closer to god.

 

The night before yesterday, I turned down a man, even if I know that we can hit on well and if we tried, we could keep the relationship work perhaps. But still I said no. I am so stubborn to my feeling. I am patient enough to wait, for the "good and right" thing to come. I am a good person. (though i always kid myself with that) I am devoted, I am fair-minded, I care alot about family and friend, I show great sympathy for a little homeless dog~~who can deny that I am a good person! I think I deserve the best, a least I deserver the chance to meet the best for me. So when people ask me, "What kind of person are you looking for? "  I cannot come up with an answer. But I know exactly about my feeling, that is when the right one shows up, I'll feel it. And I will grip the best thing in my hand as quickly as i can and tell him that never to travel any where randomly again cuz I've already "poisioned" him, so he shall not be ableto live without me. (this craziness comes again, sorry) So sorry, I cannot stop the life full of uncertainties until I finally find the right one towards whom I want to run and "GRIP".

 

I see people get married in a hurry as if they are catching buses. I hear people warn me soon I'll get old and be unwanted. I sense men around me hate me to death after I told them "impossible". (for some of them it is true, for the others maybe they just enjoy to stand by and watch me end up alone) What are you so proud of? That is what they are all thinking in mind? But Am I? No one knows better than me what it feels like when two people don't belong together get stuck up together. When I saw the words in my notebook "always and forever", I even wanted to shed tears. I did all these things just because I still believe in "true love", just because I still believe in the words. What is wrong with that? What is wrong about me believing in true love? It is true that most of the people in this modern world are simply being realistic and materialistic. They tend to match themselves and the others as long as the two persons are seemingly appropriate together~~But some others are just different, by "some others" I mean those people who still care about real feelings.

 

Here I'd like to say somehting to those my "Mr Not Rights". For those who enjoy to wrong me, I'd like to tell you that I love my heart so much that I would not force it to accept anything that it doesn't want. We all only have one heart, don't we?  When your heart feels dissatisfactory or even hatred when I turn you down, think about mine, my heart will feel the same if I said yes. Even if I gave you what you wanted and you were satisfied, it's only temporary. One thing which cannot be faked is human will. Sooner or later you'll find out that our hearts don't belong together. For those good men whom I am lucky enough to meet in my life, I am really really sorry. You are good in every way perhaps, but you are just not the person who makes me wanna stop by. Keep moving on and you'll find the right one for you, with my blessing.

 

" Always and forever", for the one who worte me this, I'm always grateful. I forgot about how we departed at last. Perhaps I was too reluctant to make you feel bond, just like the way I feel about my heart, so I chose to let you fly, as high as you want, till you disappeaed from my world. Still I'm grateful. I forget about you, but I still remember those words, which give the strength to pull myself together and move on. Somehow I still have the courage to think that I deserve the best;  I still have the courage to be stubborn; I still have the courage to believe in my feelings about TL~~

 

Isn't that miraculous???

 

Every time

 

 

遇见谁渴望有谁依偎
错过谁过了就无法挽回
爱过谁为他放弃一切
就算世界毁灭也无所谓
你是谁让我爱的那么深
我是谁让你感觉太疲倦
那个谁带走了我的谁
安慰自己少了你的,我不会流眼泪
我想努力学会如何忘记那个伤害我的人
擦干眼泪飞向窗外那片蓝的天
或许会飞的有点累
一个人的旅途太遥远
孤单的我不想在为谁而停歇
我想努力忘记那个伤害我的人
却仍不停想起和他经历的画面
难过有那么一点点
回忆却有那么的明显
鼓起勇气对他说再见
不再见面不用抱歉
我会勇敢的去飞明天的路还有许多美丽的发现
我会继续努力的飞
我会找到我要的世界
那一天就会是晴天
我会带着笑容去面对

Haven't come here for quite a long time. Today suddenly I feel that I need to find a peaceful place, just to say to myself that, "hey, how are u doing?"

For half a month I've kept on encouraging myself to work harder.

I'm so tired now. Sometimes I feel that there are goals which i can never fulfill and people which i can never catch up with.

It is not that I have to compare myself with others, but those pressures, so dense, which tend to push me somewhere on the edge~~

Sometimes I can't help wondering, what is the meaning of living? I can try to live happily but not by doing the things which can make me happy, that is a problem.

Anyhow, I am stuck with linguistics~~better to realise this point as early as possible.

 

I can see one tree hill again~~~~WoooLAAAAAA